


Penance

by JosieCarioca



Series: The Toy Box [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Divorce AU, F/M, Family Angst, Gen, Inspired By Tumblr, Out of Character Severus Snape, Written by Request, what if
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:28:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26244922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JosieCarioca/pseuds/JosieCarioca
Summary: Prompt requested on my tumblr: What if Severus and Evelyn had actually got a divorce when she got pregnant with Soren.Warnings: loads angst and a possibly out of character SeverusAlso, I'm very sorry.
Relationships: Severus Snape & Original Character(s), Severus Snape & Soren Snape, Severus Snape/Original Female Character(s), Severus snape / Evelyn Black
Series: The Toy Box [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1662841
Comments: 13
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

  
  


Dublin.

June of 2017

There was a heavy humidity in the air, the kind that comes before a summer rain. Severus walked slowly down the street, dragging his feet, trying delay what he had to do. His eyes followed the changing patterns the sun drew on the pavement as it came through the leaves and branches of the many trees of that residential neighbourhood of South Side Dublin.

It was the first time Severus saw her house. Her house, he repeated to himself bitterly. The house Evelyn had bought after she moved back to Ireland from France. She had moved here some time after they had seen each other in London, when he showed up unnounced to one of her book signings. How long ago had that been, he wondered, noticing once again how the passing of the years and months got blurrier. Three years? Yes, around that. And yet it felt fresh in his mind as if it had happened that very morning. Severus still remembered the teal wrap dress she was wearing, which earrings, the way her hair was styled, in a fishtail braid. He still remembered the scent of books and coffee that filled the bookshop as she took photos and chatted with friends and readers, and the inebriating scent of lavender, nostalgia and regret that overcame him when he approached her.

Since that night, they had talked to each other maybe twice, over the phone. Once to agree that after what had happened in London they´d both be better off cutting all contact; the second time when Severus had broken that agreement. She hung up on him the second time around, and he never tried to contact her again.

It was easy to find her house among the other similar ones that neatly lined up along the street. He didn´t even have to check the number, he could tell from miles away that one was hers. All the flowers in the garden were red. Most were roses.

The house itself was simple, with a dark red door and white windows and walls. It reminded him a bit of that beach house in Spain where they had spent some of the happiest days of his life in the Spring of 1999. A part of him wanted, foolishly, to believe that maybe that was the reason she had picked this place to live, that maybe the memory of that little white house by the sea was still as dear to her as it was to him.

Severus couldn´t say for sure how long he stood on the street, in front of the little gate, gathering up the courage to walk up to her door and knock.

He knew she was home. He could see through the lace curtains that the lights inside were on, and as he approached the door, he could smell the faint aroma of Lady Grey. She always drank Lady Grey when she was working.

Since her time in Frace, Evelyn had decided to take a break from teaching to focus on her writing. Her first work of historical fiction, the one that had been released in London three years ago, had been very well received. She was known as a historian, so the switch in genre caught readers´attention. She had released another book since then. Severus had read them both back to back several times. She wasn't a world famous famous author, but she was succesfull enough in Ireland and the UK that getting news of her through muggle media was easy. She was working on a third book, according to an interview given to a literary publication a months before.

“Established historian turned fiction writer, Evelyn Black is ready to take her work to bolder, more ambitious routes as she balances a successful writing career and the challenges of single-motherhood.” the piece read, right next to a picture of Evelyn in her rose garden with Soren hugging her about the waist.

Soren had grown so much since Severus had last seen him. He was as tall as his mother's shoulders and he had just turned 11 at the time the picture was taken.

He had her smile.

With a deep breath, Severus knocked.

“What are you doing here?” Evelyn didn't sound irritated as he expected, just tired. As if the mere sight of his face was enough to drain her.

Severus had to put some effort into finding the words to say. Looking at her for the first time since London was a gut punch. Evelyn had, somehow, become more beautiful as the years went by. She had been stunning when he first saw her, standing at his doorstep in Spinner's End in a cold October afternoon. 19 years later, as Severus stood at her doorstep in Dublin in that warm June morning, she was downright majestic. Evelyn was one of those people whose features seem to gain in grandeur as they age.

He noticed, with a pang of sorrow, that she had cut her hair. While they were together, he´d often tell her how much he loved her hair long, how much he loved to run his fingers through it. The shorter hair suited her well enough, the shoulder-lenght made the waves bouce lightly about her face, almost curly, but it still felt like that last connection to him was severed. And it hurt. She had been to the beach recently, judging by the the galaxy of freckles that dotted her nose and cheeks and soft bronzed sheen on her skin, brought out by the white chemise dress with pencil-thin blue stripes.

“I need to talk to you.” he finally let out, clumsily.

“I thought we had agreed that neither of us needs that.”

“It's about Soren.”

“Well, there's even less reason then.”

“He´s just got his letter from Hogwarts, no?” he blurted, desperately trying to get her to keep the door open. She stared daggers at him, but she didn't close the door.

“Yes, he did. What is it to you?”

“You know we have to talk.”

Evelyn paused, sighed, visibly frustrated and walked back inside, leaving the door open so he would follow, but never bothering to actually verbalize an invite.

Somehow Severus just knew how her living room would look like. He knew the way Evelyn liked to organize her books, he knew she liked carved dark woods, bold florals, splashes of warm color over neutrals, art nouveau posters and vintage accents. She had taken little from their home when she moved out, and Severus had never had the heart to change anything, so he had plenty of time to stare at every piece of furniture, every cushion and decoration, and memorize everything to the point that walking into this house that she had decorated herself without any of his input, nothing in it surprised him.

Just one thing was different.

There were pitures of Soren everywhere. Severus didn´t have more than, perhaps, three, which he had got through Minerva and he didn´t have them displayed anywhere. He didn´t have any photos in frames anywhere in the house. He kept them all stored away in a box, which he only opened when he was in the mood to punish himself.

But in this house, Soren´s face was everywhere, along with pictures of Alice and Lizzie (he could barey recognise Lizzie in some, it had been so long since he'd last seen her. Alice he could recognise, she had gone through Hogwarts pretending not to know him, but he had been there to see her through it). Pictures of Soren as a baby, of his birthdays, getting his first bike, swimming, playing football, playing dress up with Evelyn's clothes, pictures with his grandmother, aunt, godfather, cousins, pictures of him and Evelyn on vacation by the beach or going to museums.

A detailed timeline of every part of his son's life he hadn´t been there to see with his own eyes.

It was overwhelming.

“Is he home?” he asked, dazed.

“No. He's at his singing class.” she told him, sitting on the couch without extending an invitation for him to also take a seat. She wanted him out as soon as possible and had no problem making it obvious.

“Singing class?”

“Yes.” she told him in a tone of exhausted disappointment. “A few years ago I took him to see Ravel's _'_ _L'enfant et les sortilèges'_ and he decided he wanted to be an opera singer when he grew up. I didn´t think he'd stick to it, but I he's quite serious about it. He's been learning the piano to accompany himself when he practices at home as well.”

“Opera, uh?” Severus smiled despite himself, his eyes spotting the piano in the adjacent reading room, through the semi-closed french doors. “He takes that from you.”

“I'm glad you approve. You're the one paying for those.”

“Am I?”

“I have to do something with the child support you insist on depositing every month.” she sighed, annoyed. “Now, why don't you just go ahead and tell me what you have to tell me so we can be done with this before he gets home?”

“Evelyn,” he started, taking a seat. “I know we agreed that I would stay away, but now that Soren got his letter...”

“His presence in Hogwarts will make things uncomfortable for you. Well, I hardly think any of his classmates will make the connection. He doesn´t have your last name. And the staff won't be surprised, most of them were there when we divorced, so...”

“It's not my comfort I'm worried about.”

“In regards to Soren that would be a first.”

Severus held his tongue. A part of him wanted to argue, to tell her that the only reason he had refused to be there for Soren was because he knew no child deserved to be raised by a man who didn´t want to be a father and didn´t know how to be one. That he was just so afraid he'd end up putting Evelyn in the same situation his own mother had been put through: raising a child with a man who had no business raising a child. But it was pointless to tell her that. She wouldn´t understand, and she was right not understand. It was his issue and his alone to deal with. She had a child to worry about and a life to live, and he wasn´t about to stay on her way.

“There's no way around the fact that eventually Soren will find himself sitting in my classroom. We need figure out how we are going to deal with that.”

“And what makes you think I'd put him through that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Alice had it hard enough in Hogwarts after what happened to us. Yes, Soren got his letter, but that doesn´t automatically mean he's going. If he doesn´t feel comfortable having you for a teacher...”

“Wait, wait...You can't do that.” he stammered, trying to take in what she had just said.

“I can, Severus. I've been making every decision about how Soren is raised for the past 11 years, since you decided you didn't want to.”

“He's a wizard, Evelyn, he needs to go somewhere where he will learn...”

“You see, this is why we agreed you'd stay away, Severus. You can´t just decide you don't want to raise him and then come around later like you have anything to do with how he's raised.” she got up, visibly upset, and moved closer to window. That hadn´t changed. Whenever Evelyn was upset she looked to to the nearest window, the nearest source of air. Whenever her feelings grew too much to be confined by walls, she looked out, where walls couldn´t hold all of it in.

Large drops of rain started to fall outside as the gathering humidity finally turned into rain. Evelyn breathed in the scent of her garden, closing her eyes for a moment, obviously trying to calm herself down.

“I know we have an agreement,” he continued, quietly “but it would naive of both of us to think we can just ignore the elephant in the room, Soren is a wizard and...”

“Now you remember that?” there was barely contained anger her voice as she kept her eyes outside, on her roses as they danced in the breeze and the rain.

“He's 11, he's got his letter, so now...”

“Yes, he´s 11, and yes he just got the effin´ letter, and I know all of it is big news to you.” she turned to him and Severus recognised that calm fury of hers. “You think I haven't had to deal with the fact that he's a wizard before? Did you bother to talk to Minerva before you came? Or Andromeda? Molly, Arthur? Because they were the ones I had to go to when my son was making dessert plates float in front of guests or transfiguring his toys, and I was out of my mind with worry that he'd get hurt when I wasn´t around , because there was nobody who could teach him how to control his bursts of magic and there was nothing I could do because I'm not the parent who happens to have the sodding magic gene. I could have used your concern then. But now that 'he's 11 and got his letter' you remember he's a wizard. Am I supposed to thank you?”

“I am not here to dispute any of that.” Severus let out, defeated. “You're right, I don't have the right to come here and try to have any sort of opinion about Soren´s life after I chose to stay out of it. And if the situation was different I wouldn´t dream of doing such a thing. I'm not trying to claim my place as a father, because I haven't been one, but it would be irresponsible of me not to address the fact that, when he goes to Hogwarts, I´ll be his teacher. And that will put all of us in a delicate position.”

“You´re assuming he´s going to Hogwarts. And that's a big assumption to make.”

“What are you planning to do, then?”

“Hogwarts is not the only wizarding school in the world. There are options.”

“Options? Which options?”

“I know you´re not exactly keeping up to date with your son's life, but you do remember we lived in France for five whole years, right? Soren speaks the language just as well as he speaks English, he´s familiar with the country's culture...”

“Beauxbatons?”

“It's as fine a school as any. Fleur Weasley has put me in contact with Madame Maxime. She´s not the headmistress anymore, but she's still in the...”

“You want to send Soren to Beauxbatons?”

“As I said, it's one of my options. I'll have to talk to him, see what makes him more comfortable.”

“Has he said he wants to study there?”

“No, he hasn't.”

“What has he said then?”

“He doesn´t know yet. Almost every witch and wizard he knows has attended Hogwarts. His cousins, his friends, Minerva is the headmistress and he adores her; Teddy has been getting him all excited about it. But in the end of the day, he says he doesn´t know.”

“Because of me...” Severus shouldn't be surprised. Maybe he had fooled himself into thinking he could make a clear break from Soren, to the point he hadn´t seen this coming. Any idiot would have figured out years ago that his continuing to work at Hogwarts would lead to one day Soren crossing the school's gates as student, and this exact situation would present itself. But Severus had gone through the years without feeling them pass, like one day was exactly like the other and the next. Hogwarts was the closest thing had had to a home after he wrecked the one he and Evelyn had built. He had nowhere else to go, so he stayed. Deep down, where he didn´t dare look or aknowledge, he had hoped he wouldn't be around for long enough to see the day Soren would walk into the Great Hall for the first time. Severus had never had the guts to actually follow through, and... But the days, weks, months and years dragged on, one after the other, one exactly like the other, and he just...gave up. When Evelyn moved to France and took Soren with her, Severus had almost convinced himself that they wouldn't be back. Maybe the boy wasn´t a wizard after all, maybe he'd have a normal life away from him and Severus wouldn't have to worry about how much damage he'd still cause. When she came back to Ireland, Severus should have known. That night in London, he should have known. He should have gone about it differently.

“Severus...” she sighed. “I never wanted to be one of those mothers who tell their children all sorts of nasty things about their fathers, and I think I´m not. But what do you want me to do? Lie to him? To be honest, we don´t really talk about you unless Soren asks, and he's been asking less and less. I can't say he's weary of Hogwarts because he feels any type of way about you working there, because honestly I don´t know if that's why. I don't think he remembers you much. The last time you saw him he was what, six?”

“But he does know I exist. And he does know how...we...that I didn't...want...”

“He knows who you are, and where you work, he knows all of our friends and family know you and some still are in contact with you. I never told him in so many words that you didn´t 'want' him. That's a lot to lay on a child...but he's smart enough to know...”

Severus could tell Evelyn was walking on eggshells, trying to tell him exactly what the situation at hand was without starting an argument she obviously didn´t have the will nor energy for. He could only imagine the kind of gymnastics she´d had to do to explain to a little boy that his father was around somewhere, alive and well, still in contact with so many people he knew, but for some reason had just chosen not to raise him.

“You do understand how complicated this is?” she went on, so softly, so gently it made it all worse. Severus would prefer she just be mad at him. “We agreed you'd stay away...And now you assume I´d put my son in a situation where he'll be around you all the time, and you´ll be his teacher, when you never addressed the fact that you're his father. You can see why I´m considering another school?”

“Yes, yes, I can. It just never crossed my mind that...”

The front door swung open before Severus could finish.

“We´re home!” Soren burst into the small entrance hall, a dynamo in blue jeans and a Freddie Mercury t-shirt, wet from head to toe. He stopped at the living room door and carefully took his trainers off, leaving them where they wouldn´t make too much of a mess. He was followed in by an older woman Severus had never seen before.

“Mam, Mrs. Bloom said I can...” Soren stopped dead on his tracks, his smile vanished and his eyes went from Severus to Evelyn, in obvious confusion.

Severus hadn´t seen Soren in person in five years, and photos were hardly enough to prepare him for the encounter.

Soren was tall for his age, all arms and legs as he swagged into the room, rucksack slung across his shoulder, and the the broad steps of a little boy all to eager to become a man. Severus always thought he looked like Evelyn, at least from photos. Looking at him upclose, though, it hit Severus all at once just how much of himself he saw on his features: the black messy hair, grown almost to neck-lenght, the nose, not as pronounced as his own but clearly aquiline, the dark deep set eyes...Soren had Evelyn's mouth and strong eyebrows, but everything else...was like looking in a mirror.

Soren stood in quiet disbelief for a moment, trying to process Severus' presence, trying to place that man standing in his livingroom somewhere in his memory. It was only for a moment, however. Realization washed over the boy's face, like he had just managed to fully comprehend who Severus was, then he turned to his mother again, visibly distraught.

“What is he doing here?” he asked her.

  
  


  
  


  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Severus looked at Evelyn, completely at a loss as to what he should do. He hadn´t expected this...but he should have, no? At some point he would have to see Soren, talk to him. This was the entire reason he had come after all. Why, then, the moment he had his son in front of him, Severus had no idea what to do?

Well, wasn´t the answer evident enough? Soren was his son only in the most technical way. The only reason Severus could even use the word “son” in regards to the boy standing in front of him was because it was a biological fact. Severus just happened to be the man who impregnated Evelyn. But everything else, all the duties and privileges the position of “father” should come with...well, Severus had given up on all of those. Yes, Soren was biologically his son, but they weren't related in any other way. Any way that mattered. Of course he didn´t know what to do. The last time he had seen Soren he was six, and he had seen him from afar at that. He was sure Soren didn´t even remember him. How was Severud supposed to know what to do, if he wasn't even supposed to be here.

“You forgot your umbrella again.” Severus looked at Evelyn when she spoke. She seemed calm, too calm, as she walked over to Soren and ran her hand over his wet, overlong hair and gave him a look. Severus couldn't really tell what that look meant, but it seemed to calm him down.

“No matter how much I tell this lad he's not Gene Kelly, there's no convincing him to use an umbrella.” The older woman, Mrs Bloom Severus assumed, said, eyeing him suspiciously.

“You´re preaching to the choir, Mrs. Bloom. Soren would sleep out in the rain if I let him. Anyway...This is Severus Snape, my ex-husband. ” she smiled, gesturing him. Ex-husband. Not 'Soren's father'.

Mrs. Bloom gave him an uneasy smile and nod, the kind of greeting you give an unpleasant acquaintance as you happen upon them on the street, right before you cross the street or come up with an excuse to avoid them. Obviously, Mrs. Bloom knew very well who he was.

“Severus, this is Mrs. Bloom, my neighbour, she´s been helping me with everything since we moved in.”

“Mam...” Soren said, urgently, his eyes shooting daggers at Severus.

“Go change, you're soaking wet and I don´t want you to catch anything,” Evelyn continued, unperturbed.

“Come on, Soren, listen to your mother.” Mrs. Bloom urged him. Evelyn whispered a heartfealt 'thank you' as she gently coaxed Soren up the stairs, despite his protests.

“Evelyn, I...” Severus started as soon as they were out of earshot.

“I think we´re done, Severus.”

“Yes, yes, we are.” Severus let out. She was right. He had no business being there. His very presence was an aggression, he now realized. In his hurry to fix a problem that hadn't even arisen yet, in his eagerness to try to smooth over a situation he had created himself, Severus had, stupidly, forgotten that the only problem in the equation was himself.

Did he truly think he could have a simple, easy conversation with Evelyn and just...what? What would happen then? Soren would take the train, arrive in Hogwarts along with all the other boys and girls his age, starting the new year and...just tolerate his presence? He was expecting far too much. Soren couldn't stand the sight of him for the mere few seconds they'd been in the same room. There was no way Evelyn would send him to Hogwarts, and she was absolutely right. She was his mother, the only parent he had. Of course she would protect him.

“I'm sorry.” he finally said after a pause.

Evelyn sighed and went to open the door.

“Why did you come then?”

Severus turned around to see Soren on the bottom of the staircase as Mrs. Bloom tried to persuade him to go back upstairs and change as his mother had told him to. Severus suspected she hadn´t even managed to get him to his room before he had turned on his heels and came back to demand the explanation he'd just been denied. And he looked like he wasn't going to let Severus go without giving him one.

“Soren, that's quite enough for now.” Evelyn told him, as the lad marched his way towards Severus. “Go change.”

“I want to know why!” Soren told her, indignant. “Why is he here?”

“Darling...” she started. pulling Soren away gently. He shrugged her off.

“The lad is right, Evelyn.” Severus said.

She turned to him with this look in her eyes...This look that said “please, don't ruin everything more than you already did.” She should rest assured that doing that was probably not humanly possible, Severus thought. There wasn't much he could do to Soren that he hadn´t already done. Except...tell him the truth.

“I'm here because I had to talk to your mother.”

“Why?” Soren's black eyes bore into his, and Severus had the distinct impression the boy wasn´t even blinking.

“Because...I wanted to know if you'd be going to Hogwarts soon. You´re of age to.”

“What is it to you?”

“Because I'm...” Severus paused. He wasn't, was he? “Because...if you do, then I´ll be your teacher. And I wanted to make sure that isn't a problem for you.”

“It's not.”

“It's not?”

“No. I don't even know you.” Severus could see the faintest sheen of tears over Soren's eyes as his voice broke slightly at the last word. Then he turned away and walked upstairs, with a concerned Mrs. Bloom in tow.

“You know the way out.” Evelyn told him before going after Soren.

  
  


…

  
  


Evelyn found Mrs. Bloom standing before the closed door of Soren's bedroom, patiently waiting for him to respond to her knocking and pleading. Evelyn knew he wouldn´t. Soren had her and Severus' stubornness combined. She could stand in front of that door for the rest of the evening, and he would only open if he wanted to.

“Mrs. Bloom, thank you but I can take it from here. I don't want to keep you.It seems like the rain is about to stop.”

“Are you sure, dear? It looks like you can use some help.”

“That´s awfully kind of you but I think I need to handle this myself.”

“I´ll wait downstairs, in case you need me. How about that?”

“Thank you.”

Evelyn waited for her to get downstairs, knocked and gave him a little time to answer.

“Soren, I´m coming in.” she announced before turning the doorknob.

He was sitting on the windowsill, still on his wet, muddy clothes, staring at the rain outside. Evelyn sighed. It broke her heart just how much he could be like Severus at times. The way he retreated into himself whenever he was upset, how he immediately went into the offensive when he felt threatened, his obstinate silences, the way he frowned and pressed his lips together when he was frustrated. When Soren was happy, relaxed, she saw a lot of herself in him. Everybody always said he had her smile, her laugh...but whenever he got sad, or angry...that was all Severus.

“How about a warm bath and some dry clothes, uh?” she, got a towel from the chest of drawers, walked up to the window and combed his wet hair back with the tips of her fingers. “Mrs. Bloom is still downstairs, we can go have some hot cocoa with her, what do you say?”

“Why did he come here?”

Evelyn sighed, and sat on the windowsill, pulling him into her arms. She wrapped him in the towel and rubbed his head, arms and back. He was so, so cold.

“He told you why.”

“He lied. He didn't come her because of me. He came because of you.”

“What makes you say that?”

“He still likes you, He left because of me.”

“What's this nonsense? Where did you get this idea?”

“I saw the photos.”

“Which photos, love?”

“The one you have in your bedroom, I'm sorry, I know I'm not supposed to go into your stuff.”

“You mean...” he took a deep breath. “the photos in the box?”

“Yeah...” he trailed “You were happy. He left because of me.”

“Soren, look at me.” she pulled his chin up and carressed his cheek with her thumb. “He left because of himself. That's his fault, not yours. Nobody in their right mind would ever turn their back on somebody as amazing as you, mo stór.”

“I don't want to go to Hogwarts” he whispered, trying too hard not to cry.

“Then you won't. You won't go anywhere you don't want to go.”

“Minnie will be upset..”

“No, she won´t. Nobody will be upset. Minerva loves you, and so does Andromeda, Teddy, Alice, Mr. and Mrs Weasley...everybody who knows you loves you. And they all want you to be happy. If you won't be happy at Hogwarts, then nobody will be upset if you don't go. Nobody.”

  
  


…

Getting Soren to eat had been a struggle. Evelyn had made everything he loved, even though the idea of feeding her child fish n chips with a side of cheesy pasta for dinner on a weekday no less, went against every parenting rule she had set for herself. Still Soren had to force himself to eat. And he knew he was only trying because he didn´t want to upset her.

She let him stay up a bit late and watch TV on the couch, but before the movie was even over he had got up and put himself to bed. At least he seemed to be sleeping soundly...That was something.

Evelyn, on the other hand, doubted she would get any rest. She kept replaying Severus visit in her head, trying to extract some meaning from it, anything that could giver her heart some peace. She knew this wasn't just about Soren going to Hogwarts or Beauxbatons. Surely it was something that needed to be discussed, but Severus should have done it years ago, if he was so concerned.

She switched through the channels on the TV without even paying attention to what was on, debating wether it would be a good idea to pour herself a glass of whiskey. Once she settled on a nature documentary and started to get up to get herself a drink, the phone started blaring. She had half a mind to let it ring, but something told her anybody who was calling after 11pm would have a good reason to do so.

“Hello?” she let out, keeping her voice as quiet as she could. Last thing she wanted was to wake Soren.

For some moments there was only silence on the other end of the line, She didn´t hang up, though. She had some idea of who it could be.

“Hello.” Severus voice reached her ears in a whisper. “I'm sorry to call you at this time. I didn't wake you, did I?”

“No.”

“I...” she heard him hesitate and sigh, frustrated. “I just wanted to apologize. Properly, I mean.”

“There's no need. Where are you?”

“I´m in a hotel. I was hoping...I don´t know what I was hoping, to be honest, but...In case we needed to talk you'd know where to find me.” he sniggered, bitterly “I suppose I didn't go about it in a way that would make you want to talk to me, but...”

“I thought we didn´t have anything to talk.”

“We don't but...”

“This was not about Soren going to Hogwarts, was it?”

“It was...just not entirely.”

“Well, then...?”

“I suppose it was...an excuse.”

“An excuse...for what?” she dreaded the answer. Evelyn often wondered in all the years they´s been apart, how exactly Severus felt about Soren, If he ever regretted leaving. If he ever wished he could go back an undo it. A part of her wanted to know, but at the same time, she didn't. His excuse, his justification for doing it had always been that he wasn't cut out to be a father, and didn't want to inflict his own shortcomings on a child. Evelyn had accepted it at face value. What else could she do? Try to change his mind? Beg him to stay? No, if he said he didn´t feel like he could be a father, then she would take his word for it and move forward.

Through the years however, she often wondered if there was more to it. The fact that Severus had left but still asked Minerva for photos of Soren. He probably thought Minerva wouldn't tell her, but she did, probably in hopes that it would sway Evelyn into giving him a new chance. And she might have given him another chance if he had ever asked for it. In the first few years of Soren's life...if he had tried, she would probably have let him back in. The years passed, however, and Severus never did try. As Soren grew and started to get a better understanding of things, the possibility of Severus ever coming back into their lives became more and more remote. And even then, he still asked Minerva for photos, for news, he still maintained a connection, no matter how feeble.

He had never dared to show his face, to actually come and look for her.

Well, that wasn´t true, now, was it? There was London. When he showed up to her book signing. There was nothing she could have done when she saw him among the crowd, and when he came up to the table, with the book in hand for an autograph she froze. For a moment she forgot everything. It was like she was seeing him, the old him. When they were together she had published a handful of nonfiction works and he'd always come and stay in line with everyone else for the signing. For a moment she had been transported to those times. For a moment she let herself be happy that he was there. For a moment she let her guard down.

It was just a moment, however. She couldn't afford to retreat into the past, she didn't have the right, and neither did he. She tried her best to avoid him for the rest of the evening, and once the event was over she had left almost like she was being chased. She just wanted to get to her hotel and forget she had seen him. Much to her surprise she found him outside, smoking and waiting for her.

Evelyn should have walked away right then and there. But she didn't. She talked to him. To this day she didn't know what had posessed her to. Maybe it was the need to show him she was over it all, that his presence didn´t bother her. The need to show him she wasn't suffering, that she had forgotten him...that she didn't love him still.

All lies, she knew, but if she could convince him maybe she would be able to convince herself. Just talk to him, let him walk her back to her hotel, maybe have a beer. Then he'd know she was over and his presence had no effect on her. He was just a man like any other and nothing else. Not the love of her life, the man she thought she's spend the rest of her days with...the father of her child...the man who left her.

In her eagerness to show him how little he still mattered to her, she had allowed herself to get too close again.

Evelyn wanted to hate him, and most of the time she did. She hated him when Soren was born and she had to go through it holding her mother's hand instead of his. She hated him when Soren said his first words, and took his first steps and he wasn't there. And she hated him even more when Soren started to understand that every other child had a dad and he didn´t. But she hated him the most when she lay awake in bed at night and remembered how much she still loved him.

That night she let him walk her back to her hotel. She talked to him as if he didn´t know him, as if they had just met. Then he asked her about Soren...and she hated him again, all over again. And she hated that she had allowed herself to be happy he was there even if for a moment, and she hated that even now something in her still wanted to take him back. If only he asked...

Maybe she had too much to drink that night, maybe she was just too overwhelmed, too emotional, too confused...Evelyn could barely rememeber how she had gone from screaming at him to letting him kiss her. Who was she trying to punish? Severus or herself? She had gone into it with anger, she had done it to hurt him, she had done it...why had she done it? She didn´t know why.

All she knew was that she felt dirty afterwards. It killed her that she had enjoyed it. The feeling of his skin against hers again, of his lips, his fingers, his tongue licking fire through her, the pressure of his body on top and inside of hers. For the first time in years. Even if it was angry, even if it lacked the care and affection it once had, even as she hated him through every second of it...even then. She kicked him out when they were done. She was sure that had hurt him, she knew it had humiliated him. But at what cost?

That night she called her agent and came up with excuse to cancel the next events and go back home. She had to pretend it hadn´t happened. She called Severus and told him they should never see each other again, and she went back home. Soren was 8 then. He had been so happy that she cancelled the rest of the trip and came back...

“An excuse for what...Severus?” she repeated, weary.

“I don't quite know. I needed to see you...to see him.”

“You don't get to just do that...”

“I know. I just hoped that...maybe...”

“Maybe what? You would talk to him and it would be all fine? And he's go to Hogwarts like nothing had ever happened?”

“No, of course not. But...I thought about it...about trying to talk to him, to you...so many times before...And it always seemed like...it always felt like...I kept telling myself it was too late at every turn. So I talked myself out of it.”

“You had plenty of chances...”

“I know, I know that...I just kept ruining them, and then...then it was too late. I thought maybe now it could be...I could maybe start...If you let me...”

“Well, Severus...I'm not the one who decides that now.”

“I'm not...expecting you to advocate on my behalf...and I'm not about to ask Soren to accept me as a father...I know it's too late for that. But maybe, I could talk to him...”

“Maybe one day...maybe one day he will want to talk to you. Sort everything out. But it has to be on his terms.”

“Yes. Maybe one day.”

“But not now. He's not ready.”

“I understand. But if he...”

“He's not going to Hogwarts. If I had any doubt in my mind, I cleared it up today.”

“Very well...that's fair. Would it be too much to ask if we could...talk. I won't ask you for anything I promise, I just need to...talk to you. In person.”

“No, you don't Severus. Neither of us does.” Evelyn felt the tears swell up in her eyes and a knot on her throat. She took a deep breath.

“Evelyn, I...” she heard his voice break just slightly “I...love you...I still do. And I wish I had done things differently...I wish I had...”

“That doesn't matter anymore.”

“I mean it...I know it's easy for me to say this after everything...”

“I know you mean it. I know you love me. You just couldn´t love me enough to love Soren as well.”

“Lynz...”

“And I love you...still...but I love Soren more...because he's ours. Even if you left, he's still ours. So, maybe one day we can sort this out, but right now, he needs you to stay away. If you care about him, even a little...just let him be for now. He's been hurt enough.”

There was silence on the other end of the line. Evelyn held her breath, almost to the point of suffocating, She felt as if the moment she drew breath the tears would overflow and choke her. She heard him sigh, sniffle. She tried to ignore it.

“Can I ask you a favour?”

“Sure...”

“When he...when he goes to Beauxbatons or, whatever school you choose...Just let me know how it goes? If he's doing well, if he receives any honors, anything, just...let me know. Please? He doesn´t have to see me or anything. I just want to...know.”

“I will.”

“Thank you.”

“Good night, Sev.”

“Good night, Lynz.”

Evelyn stood with the phone to her ear for a moment, still hearing the sound of his breathing on the other end of the line as he took his time to hang up. She waited for him to hang up. She waited for him to let go, so she could as well.

When he finally did, the sound of rain filled the air again.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  



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